Friday, November 18, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
Directed by: Bill Condon
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg

A bunch of stupid vampires and werewolves care about some teenage girl who gets pregnant for some stupid reason.

I am now dead inside. To just make this clear, here and now, I have not read any of the books nor watched any of the previous films. I saw this film to purely rip on it. If you don’t like that stop reading and find the nearest bridge and jump because you like Twilight. My only enjoyment during the watching of this film was the fact that I ruined the experience of a theater full of tweens as I laughed constantly at the dialogue and story.

This movie was so bad I watched Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill to make me feel better.
This movie was so bad even Hitler thought it was torture.
This movie was so bad after Joe Paterno saw the film he called the cops.

The only thing worse than this film is the fact that they split it into two movies. It is a shame to think that each of these films are going to make an estimated $500 million. I mean nothing happened in this film. Let me give you a run through. The first forty minutes were spent at a wedding where crappy jokes were made, minute long kiss scenes took place, and Kristen Stewart was nervous about having sex. The next forty minutes were spent on their honeymoon which was pretty much a forty minute montage.  First a montage of them in a beautiful area of the world, then a montage of Kristen Stewart preparing to have sex, then a montage of Robert Pattinson not wanting to having sex with her anymore and then we find out she is pregnant. The first hour and a half of this film literally nothing happened. 

The last twenty minutes were spent with Kristen Stewart looking like shit and a bunch of vampires and werewolves surrounding her like she is the one person to save them all. She dies giving birth but sadly is turned into a vampire so their has to be another movie. Ending ruined, sorry. There are books so get over it. 

It’s a shame  Kristen Stewart and Robert Patinson are attached to this movie, as they are talented actors. Check out Water for Elephants if you want to go see a good performance from Robert Pattinson. Kristen Stewart was great in Adventureland and Welcome to the Rileys and I’m looking forward to her next role in Snow White and the Huntsman

Taylor Lautner on the other hand gives another one of his traditional no emotion, I might as well be a dead corpse performances where he has to have his shirt off in at least one scene. He is the worst. I rip on him more in my Abduction review, which is really a taylor Lautner bashing ( 

I just don’t see the appeal in these movies. There are just so many points in this movie that pissed me off and are so out of place. In the first scene, Robert Pattinson tells Kristen Stewart that he hasn’t told her everything about himself. It’s the fourth fucking movie and they are about to get married and now all of a sudden their is more information. Then this information leads to nowhere and has no narrative meaning. The whole movie felt like a music video, with montage after montage with cheesy music. The CGI and green screen use was either terrible or obvious. Are werewolves suppose to be Samoan? Every actor that was a werewolf looks Samoan, I just don’t get it. And when the werewolves talk in their werewolf form I completely lost it. I laughed so hard and got so many dirty looks, it was the most glorious moment of my life. Other things out of place were the vampires watching college football for some reason and they googled hybrid human/vampire babies and all the information in the world was there including detailed pictures. Also why can these vampires walk around in the sunlight. That is the exact opposite of what a vampire should be. 

Horrific acting, terrible dialogue, frightful storytelling, horrid science fiction series, abominable twilight fans. These are the things that are wrong with the Twilight franchise. Thankfully in six months time it will all be over with and these tweens can stop admiring this Bella Swan character, who is just a terrible terrible person. I hate you Twilight and all of your fans. Until Part 2 when I can copy and paste this review.

Rating: ---0/10 (Triple negative zero because a double negative is actually positive).
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